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Hello, Its 5:30 am and I haven’t slept tonight. All night long I have been filling out online surveys and they all tell me that something is wrong with me in one way or the other. I would like to give a little bit of background information about my life because for some reason I feel I have a story to tell and I don’t really have anyone to tell it to.
I’m adopted, and unlike normal kids who learn at a very young age, I was told when I was when i was 10 years old by my parents giving me a book called " adoption is for always" and just telling me to read it.
I remember after reading it, not understanding why, and feeling confused and angry about it. I was supposed to be in gifted classes, but then i was told I had a.d.d. and ended up being in normal classes.
I also had a sister who is adopted, but ill talk more about here later.
From what little information I have gathered about my birth parents, both of our birth moms did some sort of drug/intoxicant while pregnant and both of us were basically "prom night" babies.
My parents used to laughingly joke that i fell on my head alot as a child. Growing up I had a disturbing habit of torturing small animals and insects in brutal ways (ripping wings/legs off, cutting in half to watch them squirm etc etc) sometimes even getting aroused from the insects/small animals distress without any physical contact. I would hate myself doing it, but then I would do it anyways when I was bored, or happened to notice an insect/animal close by. Most of this I have hidden from others until now. My father was a landscaper for 30+ years when he was younger, so he had me doing physical chores outside ALOT more then the average young boy my age would ever have to do ( ie mowing 7 acres with a pushmower every couple days and weeding around a garden going all the way around the house that would take days) so I associate with being alone and thinking to myself alot. My adopted sister, upon hitting puberty, became a wild child, devolping bi polar traits and a.d.d. which grew so bad that eventually when i was junior in high school she had to be sent to a girls home because my parents could not contain her.She is four years younger than me. They took alot of that aggresion/anger/sadness on her out on me. I have been beat up by my father multiple times, and I have been unfairly punished for something I didn’t do that she did more then I can count. I have had it drilled into my head that I am worthless/idiot/stupid for as long as I can remember.
In my sophmore year at high school, I was introduced to marijuana.
And the last 3 years of highschool were a smoky haze as I friended myself with friends who weren’t really my friends, but people i smoked with and they used me since I bought the weed alot. We arent talking casual use here, I would literally smoke an half an ounce a day easily, using my bussing/serving job to fund my habit. Ever since then, I look forward to when I inebriate myself so I dont have to think about my problems. Going hand in hand with my drug addiction, is my computer addiction. Any kind of online multiplayer game I have logged massive hours in because i find it more fun to invent myself as someone/something else in a game, then deal with real life. It started with starcraft online, and now its World Of Warcraft, which i will literally play from my waking moment until I pass out of exhaustion if allowed too. I have had a spree where I did alot of cocaine, and recently I have tried acid twice and cant wait to do it again. I have had so many jobs that i just plain couldnt bear to wake myself up in the morning and go to or i would call in for days playing my computer games until i got fired. Throughout all of this my parents have enabled me, even know they pay my rent because they feel sorry for me due to recent happenings, one being, i joined the US ARMY at age 21 and made it all the way through boot camp, only to be ordered to a medical checkup, where i medically discharged for having flat feet. It still depresses me because i was trying to do SOMETHING with my life like dying to save another mans life in iraq and maybe he would come home, get married and live a good life instead of me and that would make me a hero in my eyes. After coming home from the army, i seemed to have my act straight attending college and doing well, still smoking weed, but otherwise well. A man tripping on an acid binge broke in to my apartment with my 3 roommates and I was awakened from my sleep in a sleeper headlock by a man who was 3 times the size I am who proceeded to drag me out into the living room and then he beat the shit out of me, kicked me, slammed my head on the hard ground and walls and beat me with a broken chair leg and even tossed me onto a pile of broken glass from a window he shattered and i got lots of cuts, all the while my muffled, strangled cries of help were ignored my 3 roommates, who just locked their doors and listened to me cry for help in the living room as they wa
who just locked their doors and listened to me cry for help in the living room as they waited for the police to come. The police eventually came, but because they smelled marijuana in the house, and found seeds in my room, they though it was drug related, and i was kicked out of the apartments no questions asked.
Now im a living with a daughter of my parents old friends who own the house, with no money because im too messed up to even hold a job or attempt looking for one, and they control all financial aspects, just feeding me enough to barely survive. Oh yeah, I forgot, growing up I was constantly kicked out of the house and forced to sleep in the woods or something only for them to feel sorry and let me come back home again after whatever impulsive wrong choice i made they got over.
I always felt that lack of connection from parents to child and i would see other parents kids who where their biological kids, get in trouble with the law or do wrong things, and no matters what, the
That was never the case with me, I always felt i was a "project" or "investment" if you will to my parents, and their was always a breaking point. Now they claim they love me, but actions seem to suggest otherwise. I would like to find my real parents, as it feels like a gaping void in my life, but im not sure how to succesfully go about it, the sites i see online are just stupid ones where you have to pay, or the mothers have to join it or they dont even have a clue who you are.
IM extremely emotional, i can cry a stupid sappy commerical/movie and feel bad about it for a long time. I feel i cry more then an average guy does by far. Im not gay, i was actually pretty popular in high school, but i kept alot of things hidden from people. my first and only true love girlfriend cheated on me and since then i cant get TRULY emotionally attached with new girls, as i STILL compare them to her and they dont add up. Even now, waiting back home is a girlfriend ( i recently moved)who wants to me
who wants to marry me if i come home, and i lead her on in our relationship without even truly knowing what i want. she has no clue about certain dark sides of me.
I think about suicide alot. I have cut myself so i see the difference between emotional pain and real pain. And i have come close to dying several times in car accidents only to miraculously survive. I grew up in church, but now seemed turned off by it, especially because my pastor would obviously spend money he got on his new expensive trucks he seemed to get everyone couple months without a real job and i learned who and what he did outside of church and it turned me off. I loved my first youth pastor, but he was also forced to leave due to differences with the pastor which also made me sad and i still miss him to this day. there is so much more gaps to fill in, but i could on and on and i really dont feel like thinking about this anymore and i might finally
there is so much more gaps to fill in, but i could on and on and i really dont feel like thinking about this anymore and i might finally be able to get some sleep. All i do is sleep if im not playing wow, and I feel like depression is a major part of my life, my parents know this, and always just tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself, but they clearly feel sorry for me/resent me for who i am.
I feel detached from society and im scared i could end up hurting other people, even though at this moment, im too meek/depressed and only think violent thoughts inside my head, or enact them in my dreams.
But im scared down the road I can become bitter and angry at the world, and i dont want to become that person because i have all the "serial killer warning signs" or whatever.
Thanks for reading…there is lots more of gaps i could fill, but it would take pages.
Why me and not you?
IM 23 now btw.
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